Helping out? Or just doing my part?

Why does it feel like I'm helping hubby when I work in the basement? After all, it is my basement too. But somehow it feels like it is his project to finish the basement and any work that I do is voluntary. I expect a "oh honey, that was so nice of you. I really appreciate it" response when I clean up down there.

I tried to flip that around to see if I could justify that position in the reverse. Does hubby feel like he is helping me with housework instead of just contributing to the overall effort? Am I okay with it if that is how he feels? I've always expected him to help out, especially if I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off because people are coming over. I think it would irritate me if he refused to help and said something stupid like "that's your job", but I'm not sure I care if he is helping and his motivation is to make life easier for me...or if he wants to make me feel loved and supported by his effort. That seems okay...probably because I accept the primary role in the housework. Now that would be a different story if we are talking about taking care of the kids...but that would be a digression. Back to my "helping in the basement" post.

Here are a few pictures of our project, so you all can see my hubby's fabulous skills. First is my stairs. We call them "Lisa's stairs" because hubby doesn't see the attraction to wood stairs. After all, they cost more, are harder to put in, and are more slippery for people to walk on. But, as anyone who takes the primary housework role will tell you, vacuuming stairs is a PAIN. I think they are beautiful!


The following picture is the new family room, which is mainly designed to be a man cave for hubby. I'm sure it will also double as a place to send the kids during social events (assuming the men aren't using it) or a primo sleepover location. Do you like my new green accent wall?


The last picture is our new hobby room. Hubby built this room so we'd have a place to leave out our hobby's while they are "in progress". We've both learned from experience that you can't leave something laying around and expect the toddlers not to touch it when you aren't looking. The big question is "Can fishing stuff (fly tying, rod building, etc.) live side by side with sewing (quilting, mending, etc.)?"


Looking forward to your comments! (so leave me one, will ya?)

New Readers & No Talking

Picked up an official new reader yesterday, according to Blogger.com. I do love official readers. I know many of you read me on Facebook, but you are part of the unknown masses unless you happen to leave a comment. I feel like I can claim someone who identifies themselves as my follower on Blogger.com...like I have a right to think of them as my audience...even if they never read what I write again.

So I had the pleasure of seeing my mother-in-law today and we were talking about the differences in men & women. She was saying that she had read a book on how important it was for men and boys to have time by themselves...cave time...time when they aren't connecting to other people. The book she read said that is starts about 2 years old for boys. It made me think of three things. First, boy am I glad that hubby has his time at the firehouse. I think it fulfills some of that cave time for him because the guys there can all decompress together and not talk if that suits them. Of course, having a talkative person on shift (I wouldn't DARE to suggest the gender of that person) with them would screw that up...but generally speaking it is a guy-friendly environment. It is nice that he comes home glad to see me and I eagerly await his homecoming too.

I guess that leads to my second point. I need a little bit of that downtime too. I feel like I spend all day being talked to. Requests fly in more often that any one person can possibly comply. I am the solution to every boo-boo, every argument that they can't work out, every homework conundrum, every "did you know" or "guess what I heard". Sometimes by 8 pm, I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. And two or three nights a week, when I get the kids to bed, I have 2 hours of no-talking to look forward to. Hubby is at the firehouse, I don't answer the phone, and I just unwind. I wouldn't want it silent every night, but I need it sometimes too.

And so my third point. Hmmm...I seem to have forgotten it. Was it something about the Big Guy talking too much? Sweetness wanting to converse like an adult? I can't remember. I'd better get my butt in gear and get Sweetness out the door toward the bus stop, so I guess you'll all live without my elusive third point. Happy Friday people!

Love and Respect: Marriage Class 4

I won't try to sum up the contents of this weeks class. Instead of Emerson Eggerichs speaking, his wife (a psychologist I think) spoke about what men and women could practically do to apply some of the love and respect ideas that we've been learning.
(Sorry, I didn't link this to their blog...just thought I'd show their pictures.)

There are three things that I am going to work on. Now on two of these, mind you, my mind is already throwing a little revolt. My heart wants to do what's right, but my mind is full of the "yeah, but what if's". For example, the first item that I am really going to work on is supporting Scott's parenting efforts with the kids even if I don't agree with his current tactic. This is a hard one for me, perhaps for all moms, because mother bear instinct comes out to protect our cubs from anything we perceive to be unfair. "But what if hubby is getting after a kid about something that I usually allow them to do"? Well...what if that happens? It probably will. I could choose to come to my child's defense at the expense of my husband's efforts, or I could let my husband (who loves his children and wants the best for them)give the child a rule they aren't used to and negotiate with him about the fairness. "But what if I think he is speaking too harshly to the kids?" Well, this will probably happen too. My dad spoke more harshly than my mom did and I have no ill feelings about that. I know there are times when hubby thinks I speaks too harshly to the kids too. Teaching myself that there is more value in respecting hubby's heart with regard to parenting his children than whatever value I can add by inserting myself into those parenting moments may be tough, but I think it will be worth the effort.

Okay, #2 thing that I am going to improve upon is my respect toward him and our finances. I think I've set myself up as the gatekeeper and head warden with our money. Any big idea that hubby might have to better our family is first judged against the "Does Lisa think we can afford it" test. What if I let hubby dream through some of his ideas for awhile and let him determine if we can afford it or not? He and I are both a bit unsure of this one...perhaps the way we have it is a good checks and balance system with regard to the family coffers. But, I think only good can come from me stepping back a little and not being the first person to bring up the financials. If hubby wants that checks and balance system, he can ask me what I think about the practicality of the finances. Then I'll tell him. =) Besides, it will be a good thing if I willingly place my security in God and my hubby more than my control over the checkbook.

#3 is the one that I feel the most convicted about. Any resistance that my mind can come up with has no leg to stand on. I am going to be a friendlier force in my house. I think that I have the greatest ability in our household to set the tone. I think this one is a little harder to tie directly into the "respect your husband" mantra, but they brought it in through the husband's need to be liked by his wife. I think I often communicate frustration to hubby, like "Oh look, there is your motorcycle helmet AGAIN on my kitchen counter" or "Hey, someone AGAIN was eating string cheese and stuffed the wrapper into the sofa cushion" or "Looks like someone is drinking from the milk carton AGAIN". The trick, I think, is still finding away to request that he not do those things without being a source of negativity. Sarah Eggerichs pointed out that this will be a daily battle, but learning to view your negative comments as wrong instead of seeing yourself through a "look what I have to deal with" mentality is the key. Every day you will find negativity and unfriendliness creeping into your speech and every day you have to decide to be a friendlier person. I want this for my kids as much as for my hubby.

There is one last class. Stay tuned for my final installment of the Love and Respect marriage class next week. I'll post the info about their books and marriage confrence in that post in case anyone is interested. It's been great.

Love and Respect marriage class #3

I have to say that I was dragging my feet a little bit about attending class #3. The first class was an introduction and the 2nd class focused on teaching the men how to meet their wives needs (especially the needs that are most foreign to them). The third class was the ladies turn to hear about meeting their husband's needs. Why was I dragging my feet? I don't know. I enjoyed the first two classes. I think I just didn't want to be lectured about what I should be doing better (espectially on our 14th wedding anniversary). But I already had a sitter organized, so away we went...and it turns out that I enjoyed the class.

I suppose I vainly thought that I already knew what hubby needed from me. I was suprised at how many things that they brought up that I didn't realize were true. The class focused on 6 male needs:
1 -- Hubby needs to be appreciated for his desire to work hard and achieve
2 -- Hubby needs to be appreciated for his desire to protect us and provide for us
3 -- Hubby needs to be appreciated for his desire to be strong and lead his family and make good decisions
4 -- Hubby needs to be appreciated for his desire to analze situations and have wise counsel
5 -- Hubby needs shoulder-to-shoulder friendship from me
6 -- Hubby needs sexual intimacy

It took me awhile (I can be slow) to really focus on two important things. First, he actually needs to be praised for having a heart that wants to do all those things, regardless of whether he does them well or not. I'm supposed to appreciate that my husband is willing to die for me, regardless of whether he is ever put into a position of having to. I'm supposed to appreciate his desire to want to help me find solutions to problems, even if I didn't really ask for his help with something.

The second thing is that he needs to hear more about my appreciation than my love. In how many cards have I expressed my infinite love when he would have gotten more out of a "thanks for working so hard to bring home the bacon" sentiment? Has anyone told the Hallmark company about this?

Here's one thing that I thought was funny about the class. All throughout the hour and a half class, I'm furiously taking notes. I'm underlining important things and even created a special "star" notation for questions I wanted to ask him on the way home. We get nearly to the end of the class and the instructor lets us know that sometimes what the men really need is to not have to discuss everything. Huh? Than why have I been taking copious notes full of questions to ask hubby? Lucky for me, hubby noticed that I was strangely quiet on the way home and invited me to ask him one or two questions.

I think we have 1 or 2 class sessions left. Stay tuned for next week's installment of "Love & Respect...Could you have a better marriage?"

Love and Respect marriage class #2

So, if week one's class was about "without love she'll act disrespecfully and without respect he'll act unloving", then week two's class topic is "with love she'll act respectfully and with respect he'll act loving". Dr. Eggerich spent most of the class talking about how different our needs are and how different our instincts are based on gender. That's just how God made us.

He gave a lot of examples of how men behave when they hang out with other men. It was enlightening to see that the same behavior that fails so spectacularly (like walking out of an argument) with women is actually quite successful in a man to man relationship. His point was that the behavior is not in itself offensive or wrong, it is just different than what women need.

Then he talked about how women behave with their girlfriends. The endlessly tangential and detailed conversations may be mind-numbing to men, but we women thrive on them. There were 3 aspects to our conversing needs, according to Eggerichs:

1 -- We (women) converse to release our emotions (by sharing our thoughts with others, it releases our burdens)
2 -- We converse to understand (by talking through how we think and feel, we can often figure out how we think and feel)
3 -- We converse to build connections (sharing our thoughts & stories with others builds a repore with others)

One of the things the class stressed to the men is that women do have a need to resolve conflict. We aren't good with just moving past a fight without trying to understand what caused it and how we can do better next time. While the men legitimately don't have that same need, they can "live with their wives in an understand way" by facilitating our need to talk through things.

I thought the class had a lot to say to the men this time...offering detailed ways that they could meet their wives needs for conversation & intimacy.

I'll leave you with 2 thoughts from the class that I liked:
* Just because you feel offended doesn't mean that your spouse was being offensive
* Choose to appreciate the good 80% and let the other 20% go. You'll be happier if you see your spouse the way they behave during the 80% instead of the 20%.

Anniversary Weekend 09

Hold on to your hats, my friends, this could be a long one…


If you know me well, and most of you do, you know that I’m a planner. On June 17th, hubby and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. Natch, he and I are working on our vacation plans for next year in celebration of our 15th! My mom offered to watch the kids for the weekend for this anniversary, so hubby and I are off on a quick weekend away with only a couple of weeks of planning. How spontaneous of us (hey, you should take what you can get…we don’t get more spontaneous than that)!

As you may surmise from my earlier post about $$$, hubby and I had very different ideas of what we wanted to do on our vacation and how much that should cost. We essentially ended up doing what I thought we should, spending a lovely weekend up at his dad’s cabin in the mountains. I think paying for the airline tickets for next years trip to Maui made that decision easier for hubby.

Of course, our kids are still sick, at least Sweetness and the Big Guy are. The Friday morning of our departure was a stressful one. The Big Guy threw up in his crib at sometime during the night and continued to sleep there, so we started the day by giving him a bath and changing out his linens (and airing out his room – Phew!). I made the mistake of dressing myself for the weekend away first thing in the morning, so I was a tad unhappy when the Big Guy puked again all over my outfit. Both my incredibly giving mom and baby sister said they were okay with us leaving them with sick kids and agreed to watch the kids at my house (where the kids could vomit in a place that felt secure to them I assume. I would never accuse my mom of not wanting the vomit in her house). I spent the morning hours on Friday frantically cleaning my house so I could leave it in a state that wouldn’t be gross. By 12:30 we were ready to go. The Big Guy was throwing a fit because he sensed the imminent departure of his mommy and Sweetness took that exact moment to puke all over the bathroom floor, rug, and toilet so by the time I cleaned that up I was very ready to go.

Hubby and I headed into town first, intending to have lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and make a quick stop at the mall before heading out of town. We both realized that we were not feeling hungry (perhaps a little paranoid that we were going to get sick too) and decided to grab a snack at the mall instead of going out to eat. We ended up going inside the Harry and David store, where apparently we got our appetites back. We bought 2 bags of Moose Munch trail mix, a box of Mondo malt balls, a chicken pot pie and a trio of tortettes from the refrigerator in the back of the store, some crackers, and a coffee chiller mix. That should make a nice dinner when we arrived at our destination!

It was a beautiful drive up to the cabin (okay, our family calls hubby’s dad’s place a “cabin” but it is really a condo on a golf course…not exactly roughing it). We got settled in a bit before dinner and played some cards out on the balcony. After dinner, we took a ride into the nearest town (a gas station, hardware store, and mini-grocery store make up the town) and grabbed some ice cream before heading out on a walk.

Saturday morning we woke up to neither an alarm clock nor our children and enjoyed our Harry & David coffee mix and some bagels. Then we headed out to do some horseback riding. For the most part, we had a delightful time horseback riding. It was great to get up amongst the trees, enjoying the views and chatting with our guide Mitch. Hubby had a nice gentle Pintabian horse named Belle. I had an Appaloosa horse named Tootie that instantly knew that I wasn’t an authority figure. Mitch had a good laugh at my relatively frequent yelps when Tootie decided to jump, or trip over a tree branch, or walk off the trail for a tasty snack of flowers nearby. Mitch wasn’t laughing quite so hard when he realized that I was honestly terrified and beginning to tear up when Tootie wouldn’t quit hovering near the side of a cliff. Mitch tried to distract me by talking about cheese (cheese?) until Tootie meandered back to safer ground. After returning to the corral, back on the ground, I was glad to have gone riding. The fear-thing wasn’t my favorite, but I would rather go through some fear and be able to enjoy a new activity than to stay home and not be able to go.

We head back to the cabin to hang out for a bit. Hubby’s stomach was bothering him (a chronic problem for him) so I took a relaxing shower and a nap. Hubby and I watched Dirty Jobs w/Mike Rowe on TV, several episodes, and then drove into town for some dinner. We ate at a great little Mexican cantina. I had the skirt steak and grilled onions, which I LOVE, but Mexican might not have been the best choice for both hubby and I. We hightailed it back to the cabin for the safety and security of the bathroom. And there we stayed…for the rest of the evening and alternately through the night. Ahh, such togetherness. Ahh, such romance.

The next morning, our original plan of a tasty breakfast at a local hotel no longer seemed like a good idea. Dirty Jobs w/Mike Rowe was again on TV, so we nursed our weak stomachs and sore backsides (from the horseback riding, people! Don’t be gross) by sitting on the couch and not eating breakfast. Then back home for us.

Now for the annoying part. At the end of every vacation, I always tally up what we spent.

Auntie Anne’s: $6.66 Hubby’s mall snack, pretzel and lemonade
World Wraps: $3.09 My mall snack, chicken taco and water
Harry & David: $50.92 Pot pie, crackers & dip, snack mixes, coffee mix, malt balls
Grocery Store: $10.00 Soda, cream cheese, milk, bagels
Local mini-grocery: $10.00 3 coloring books for the kids, 2 ice cream snacks for us
Horseback riding: $108
Mexican cantina: $50.00 dinner
Total: $238.67

Oh, and I gave my sister $30 to take the kids to the movies, so that brings us up to $268.67.

As promised, my thoughts on the Love and Respect marraige seminar

Hubby and I attended the first of 4 classes in a marriage seminar called Love and Respect. The main gist of the material is that women primarily need unconditional love and men primarily need unconditional respect. That doesn’t mean that women don’t need respect and men don’t need love, but what we need the most from each other is different. They’ve done studies at the University of Washington that have shown that to be true, but I don’t really need a university study to tell me that. The Bible, the highest authority in my life, says it too:

Eph 5:33 So each husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself, and each wife should respect her husband.

Of course, just because I’ve read that verse a few thousand times doesn’t mean that I’m doing it well. The speaker’s name for this series is Emerson Eggerichs and he was talking about how accepted it is in our society that people need unconditional love. You don’t see many Oprah talk shows where people argue whether love should be conditional or unconditional. However, you start talking about men needing unconditional respect and you’ll get some backlash. “Respect is earned” is the primary thought. The idea that men need respect for who they are, not what they do, is an idea that needs some attention.

Eggerichs also commented that our society more negatively views male behavior in comparison to female behavior. Women tend to cry when they experience negative emotions, men tend to get angry. So, when a man and a woman have an argument and the woman starts to cry and the man walks away angry…who do we think the “bad” person is? Obviously the man with the “anger issue”.

Here is the main image they wanted to leave each person with after class 1:


Each person was asked to consider their spouses whenever they experience negative emotions in a discussion. We are supposed to say something like “Are you feeling dis-respected by me? because I’m feeling unloved by you and I’m wondering why.” Of course, hubby and I are turning this into a joke. Every time he farts, I ask “are you feeling disrespected by me? because I’m feeling unloved by you”…at which point he tries to show me his love in some vulgar fashion. It makes us laugh. Not that we aren’t taking the class seriously. We are and I can already see things that I need to work on and do differently, but the comic relief is helpful.

An acurate reflection

Hubby and I watched Marley & Me last night. Overall, we gave the movie a B. While the story was neither fascinating nor surprising, it was fun to watch and had the expected tear-jerker moment at the end. We've found ourselves bringing up little parts of the movie today, remembering specific scenes and commenting on them. The movie reminds us of ourselves and our marriage.

I think what we liked the most about the movie is that it validates what we've got going on. Yes, we love each other. Yes, life can be CHAOTIC and STRESSFUL with three kids (and no dog) and yes, sometimes we take it out on each other. But we love each other and are thankful to be together. We're thankful for each child that God gave us to love and raise.

There is one scene in the movie where Jennifer Aniston's character is overwrought and says "I know I chose this, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. Nobody told me it would be this hard." I can totally relate to feeling that way. There is just times when you feel like there is no way one person can possibly manage all that is coming at her and yet this is what you chose for your life and you don't want to give it up for someone else to do.

She has another line that says something about "I've given up all the things that made me me" and that line resonates too. Especially in the baby years, I found it challenging to maintain any part of my life that wasn't related to child-rearing. It is comforting at that time to think that it is only a temporary suspension of those things...that you can add some of those things back in when the kids get a little older and you can carve out more time for yourself. Sometimes I think that and then I catch myself just looking forward to when my kids are older and I have more freedoms. I don't want to miss out on what is good about this time in their lives because I'm focusing on what's coming next.

I like that the story ends with both the husband and the wife looking back and realizing that what they thought they needed (i.e. the things that made them "them") was not what made them happy and what makes them happy is the things that perhaps they thought were burdens. I love the love they shared between them and the love they had for their family and that stupid-but-adorable dog.

BTW, anyone who things that someone should have actually warned them about how hard marriage and child-raising can be is on crack. What do they really expect us to say? "Oh congrats on your engagement...you know that both good times and tough times are coming...right?" or "Oh, a new baby is coming, I hope you enjoy what time you have left before you give up life as you know it for your child". Yeah, that's just not going to happen.

Two Cooks in the Kitchen

Today I thought Scott was working an overtime shift (following his normal shift yesterday) and wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning. I made mental plans for how I was going to survive spend my day with the kids. The OT shift didn't work out and my dear husband arrived home this morning. It was so nice to see him. I love that he's home...and yet, it totally changes how the day will go. Suddenly you have two people planning the Saturday, two cooks in the kitchen.

I was going to take the kids to visit my grandmother. He is scrambling around trying to find a sitter so we can go look at trading in my mini-van for a 4wd vehicle. My van came back from the shop with the news that my tire tread is almost gone and it will be around $800 to buy new tires. He is convinced the only reason my tire tread could be that low after only 40000 miles is because of all the wheel-spinning I've done in the snow....hence the need for 4wd. (Let's not tell him it is really my occasionally abrupt braking patterns.) He figures he can trade in my van for a comparable 4wd vehicle for about 3 grand...so with the nearly $1000 he was going to have to spend on tires it won't be more than a 2 grand hit. Where we are going to get that 2 grand is another question, but I'm trying to stay out of that one.

He did look at my Microsoft Money program and see that we had a ton of cash in checking, but then I downloaded the current transactions and popped that bubble for him. Hey, what are wives for if not to pop their husbands dreams?

So, grandma will have to wait...hopefully a visit tomorrow will work out. Today is about car shopping now. Think good thoughts. I think car dealerships are stressful!