Who knew it meant so much?

Wow, it has been a loooong time since I wrote last. It took the death of my beloved Grandma to bring me back to the writing table. Grandma (my mom's mother, Dorothy McCleskey) passed away on Tuesday night and I spent the next day or two feeling unsettled, angry and sad. Then I cried my eyes out at my weekly prayer group and felt better.
Dorothy McCleskey somehwere around 2007

Yesterday I went to her memorial service, which was held at her home in Hoodsport. It is a long drive to Hoodsport. Usually around 2 hours and 20 minutes. It is often not a drive I appreciate, as it is a long time for the kids to "be nice" in the car. This time, I felt almost happy going...grateful for the chance to go be in Grandma's house again.

I was surpised when I got there how much I just walked around and tried to memorize the feel of her house. Every wall, every picture, every gilded knick-knack. Every lighthouse, every clock, every angel, every silk plant. Around and around I went, walking the hallways that I've walked for 25 years. My grandma didn't travel much, she liked to be at her house. Most of my memories of my Grandma are right there inside that house.

I realized last night that I felt connected to my extended family through that house. Not only are my pictures all over the walls, but my parents' pictures and my cousins' pictures and my aunts' pictures and my uncles' pictures and all our kids' pictures are in every nook and crany. When my relatives came to town, they always stayed with Grandma and we met them there, we ate there, we played there, we commisserated there...everything inside that house.

No items that I might take home from that house can give me what that house holds. That house holds my life with my Grandma with all it's tree branches that connect us. That house means family. Now Grandma is gone, waiting for me in heaven, and that house will soon be gone and we need to find new rituals and new routines to connect us. Losing her house is like facing a 2nd family death, yet the house couldn't live on without her.

So I find myself as reluctant to end this blog post as I was to leave Grandma's house last night. Afraid that once I move on, it will be gone forever. But move on we must, for life for me and my family moves ever onward. Goodbye Grandma and goodbye Grandma's house...thanks for the legacy of love that's left behind.

I learned something new

The title of this blog post makes it sound like learning something new is a rare occurance for me...it's not...it is just that I rarely find such a striking moment to discover a whole new facet of one of my children.

I took my three kids to the memorial service for my Great-grandma Bea on Saturday. I expected I might have a few questions to answer about the service, but I was surprised by Spunky Girl's reaction. She seemed fine on the way to the service. She asked a few questions about death. We talked a bit about what a coffin is...she wanted to look inside (of course). I gave my usual speech to the kids about what behavior is appropriate during the service. She gave me the "we know, mom" response.

When the service started, she burst into tears. She crawled up into my lap, buried her face into my shirt, and just bawled. Spunky Girl isn't a quiet crier. She gets a high pitch hiccup-y wail that goes on as she cries, and her body shakes. It seemed like 5 minutes went by (but was probably more like 1 minute), and she pulled herself together. We were good for a bit, and then she started bawling again. By the time the service was over, she had such red puffy eyes.

I was surprised. I guess I would have expected Sweetness to be the one crying. She was much closer to Grandma Bea, as Grandma would often cling to Sweetness when we visited the Care Center. Spunky Girl and the Big Guy would usually just run around and play.

After the service, Spunky Girl was really thoughtful about the memorial. My Grandpa Jim died last year and now she realized that he didn't have a funeral. Actually, he did, but the Big Guy threw up all over everything on the way to the service so we didn't get to attend. I knew when Spunky Girl was talking about Grandpa Jim that she was processing death on a larger scale than just Grandma Bea.

I think I've learned that Spunky Girl has more powerful emotional swings than Sweetness does. I don't think Grandma's death is harder or will be harder for Spunky Girl than Sweetness, but I think that she feels things stronger in the moment. Im glad to learn that now...and hopefully I can remember than when we are in the midst of histronics and be more understanding and loving.

I'll leave you with a picture of my dear Great-Grandma Bea Hatfield. She was loving and funny and friendly. I'll always remember her, dressed in her white keds and ready to go for a walk on the beach.

It's BAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK

At long last, I have picked up my camera from my Grandma's house. It is soooo sad that it took me nearly 3.5 months to pick it up. September brought school and sports activities and it became really difficult to find a time to bring the kids to Hoodsport. Welcome back dear friend (my camera)! Lovely to see you Grandma!

Hopefully having my camera back will help me blog more often. I blog about things that I photograph, so I have more to talk about when my camera is in my hand. Ironically, though, I am going to blog about Grandma's house...and I took no pictures of her house to show you.

My dad's mother (Grandma Bea) is passing away this week. She is in hospice care and they don't expect her to last much longer. Since she has had Alzheimers disease for years, she has lived in Memory Loss Care Centers. She hasn't had a home for years that is filled with "grandma-ness". Today I went to visit my mom's mom (Grandma Dot) and her house is filled with "grandma-ness". I think I was extra-sensitive today to all the things in Grandma Dot's house that I may not be able to experience in 10 years. Here is my highlight list:

The cushioned toilet seat
You know the one. It is the cushioned seat that slowly loses air as you sit on it, providing its own theatrics to whatever noises you've got happening as you use the toilet.

The large print Reader's Digest in the bathroom
I don't have to fear about this one. I'm sure I'll be able to order the large print Reader's Digest for my parents bathroom in another 10 years.

The endless silk flowers
Grandma has silk flowers everywhere. In the bathrooms. In the kitchen. In the sun room. On the deck. In the landscaping.

The wood fireplaces that keep the house at a toasty 80 degrees at all times
Woe to the person that forgets how hot Grandma keeps her house and wears a sweater to go see her. It is like your own personal hot flash for the entire visit. Of course, Grandma is always freezing and wanting to put on a third pair of socks. A side effect to being less than 100 lbs I guess. I wouldn't know.

The gilded gold mirrors and wall sconces
Clearly something from another time, but who knows...maybe they will return to interior design fashion someday.

Avon booklets
Both of my grandma always had Avon booklets for me to flip through at their houses. I guess I'll need to get my own.

There are also 2 experiences common to each visit to Grandma Dot's house. First, she tries to feed me constantly. Today she asked me if I wanted a snack as we were putting our jackets on to go out to lunch...like I'm going to faint from hunger on the 12 minute car trip. Second, and this one is always my favorite, Grandma's need to give me something of hers. Today I got a pair of Halloween tights and some support hose. Who could live without those?