Maybe it isn't supposed to be text-book easy...

I know you all have your hearts set on another post about what I'm wearing, or what new gadget I've acquired, but this will be a post on my thoughts on raising kids. Shocking, I know...no complaining please...unless you are going to leave me a comment...in which case, go right ahead. Positive or negative comment...I'm not picky.

I have been known to complain that kids should come with a manual. If someone would just tell me what ACTUALLY WORKS with kids, I'd be happy to follow it. The problem is that what works with one child may not work with another.

I don't think everyone agrees with this concept. They think they do, but they really don't. The "To Train Up A Child" folks may believe that children are different, but I think they largely believe that strict training benefits all children. The "positive reinforcement only" folks believe, IMHO, that all children will respond to being encouraged to want to do what they should do.

I'm searching for a new parenting plan for the Big Guy. The parenting methods that we used successfully with Sweetness and Spunky Girl (mostly derived from the "Growing Kids God's Way series) haven't been succesful with him. With the girls, we had kind of an "escalating discipline" plan. Most behavior is fixed with a reminder, or better yet some coaching on what good behavior looks like before they got into trouble. Failure to respond to those reminders will get you a consequence, maybe a time out or something that makes sense (like losing the toy they are not using correctly). Bad attitudes, lack of respect toward a parent, or aggression toward others usually earn them some stronger discipline. But, in the end, we were always able to bring their behavior around to what we wanted it to be.

The Big Guy, on the other hand, will usually get himself in trouble for throwing a fit because he didn't get what he wanted...and any attempts to discpline him for that fit will only lead to more screaming and aggressive behavior. Unlike the girl's parenting plan, which centers on how we'll react to behavior we don't want to encounter again...the Big Guy's parenting plan needs to center on how to avoid getting into the situation where he's throwing a tantrum. I cringe as I write that because I know it sounds like we've stopped trying to train him and are dejectedly now training ourselves instead. But I feel strongly that he needs something different than the girls needed. He needs to be taught how to accept life's disappointments without going ballistic.

Today I've been thinking that God didn't give us a concise parenting plan on purpose, probably for the same reason that he doesn't give us a concise marriage plan. I think God gives us general principals that we need to apply, and then it is our challenge to consider our family members with love and decide what is best for that unique person that God gave us. I think we learn to love each other more when we struggle a little bit with knowing what to do in challenging situations. It forces us to really look into ourselves and question why we behave the way we do and whether it is truly ourselves that need to change or if we need to motivate our loved one to change. I'm being forced to look at my parenting plan, which I like very much, and determine if that plan is THE WAY and the Big Guy will eventually get it...or whether the right thing to do (the loving thing to do) is to go outside of my comfort level in order to seek the best for my son.

Some friends of mine are reading a new parenting book called 'Loving Your Kids on Purpose". I haven't read the book yet, but I'm eagerly awaiting their book reports (so I can see if I really need to read it). I don't know if the theories in this book will work with the Big Guy or not, but I'm willing to look into it. I'm eager to hear anyone else's thoughts on that book or any other parenting books you love!

"Girls, you SHARE that toy."

The call for sharing is a common one, but it takes on an extra challenge when the toy is their brother. This morning Sweetness and the Big Guy were huddled together on the sofa. Spunky Girl came over to join them and instantly the problems started. "Move over" "But I want to play too" "Look over here brother" "Why won't he play with me" "He's playing with me right now. He doesn't want to play with you" "You always get to play with him. I never do" "MMMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM"

I hate it when I don't know what answer to lob back at them. "You girls share that toy or I'm taking it away" hardly seems appropriate. Somehow I don't think the Big Guy will enjoy being banished to the top of the washer and dryer like all the rest of the toys that they fight over.

The hard reality is that Sweetness is older and knows how to play in a way that doesn't irritate the Big Guy. She knows when to interact with him and when to give him his space. Spunky Girl gets in his face too much. Spunky Girl and Big Guy enjoy wrestling together, but most other games end in disaster within minutes. So, what do I say? When Spunky Girl cries and says that brother likes sister more than her, my words of comfort seem hollow. She's picking up on something real, but it won't be like that forever. Saying "he'll like you too in another year or so" just seems mean.

I ask Sweetness to try to include her sister in the game too, but there is already a lot of drama trying to get Sweetness to be polite and kind to her sister. Adding another level of responsibility to Sweetness (i.e. I want you to be nice to sister AND I want you to make sure that brother is nice to her too) won't make that drama better.

For now, I will just try to enjoy the times when they are all getting along and try to survive the times when they don't. I don't have any other solutions in my mommy-bag-of-tricks.

Caption: Spunky Girl, Great Grandma Bea, Sweetness, and Big Guy

Stepping up on my soapbox

In case you can't read the image, this is what the back of the cereal box tells children:
18 things to do before you reach 18
* Ride the worlds biggest rollercoaster
* Bungee Jump
* Score a winning goal
* Win a Trophy
* Learn an instrument
* Go backstage at a gig
* Meet your idol
* Play a part in your favorite TV show
* Meet someone with your own name
* Make a discovery
* Get away with a perfect practical joke
* Own a pointless collection
* Invent a word that makes it into the dictionary
* Conquer your biggest fear
* Raise money for charity
* Pass your driving test the 1st time
* Take a coast to coast road trip
* Reach 18 years of age

Today's culture teaches kids that the quality of life is directly related to the number of experiences that you have. The more you experience, the better life you must have. I think that is bull-puckey. While this cereal box is a fairly eggregious example, there are many others. Sweetness comes home with new experience opportunities in her backpack almost every other day at school. Cheerleading, Orgami, horseback riding, japanese lessons, running club, soccer, softball, art classes, drama, jump roping, skiing, and the list goes on and on. Of course, all these things are optional...kids are told to "ask their parents if they can partake in these great opportunities". So Sweetness believes that all these great opportunities exist and the only thing standing in her way for a great life is her mom's permission.

I find it annoying that I constantly have to tell Sweetness why she can't do something. I see no sign of her appreciating my message that life is about
being the best person you can be, and that has more to do with making choices to put others first than it does with reaching your personal best in activities. (Yes, I know she is only 7.) Seriously, what kind of happiness does it bring to have goals like "I want to score the winning goal"? That sounds like pressure to have an outcome that you can't really control. And how are kids suppose to excel at anything if they are constantly trying to experience all the other sports and activities to see which one they like best? And what about the financial unreasonable-ness (there's my new word for the dictionary) of that list? What will it cost for a child to travel to the world's biggest roller coaster or go bungee jumping or take a coast-to-coast road trip?

I will go on trying to provide fun opportunities for my family and trying to teach them that life is more about enjoying and making the most of every day, not about what you experience and accomplish. That's my soapbox for today.

The cat is out of the bag...will it go back in?

Well, vacation days are nearly over. The smores have been eaten, the woodpile is dimished and piles of laundry remain. Hubby has already headed home (he has to work in the morning) and I plan to leave with the kids tomorrow afternoon.



We are vacationing with a family that is far more laid-back than we are. Things like set bed-times, no dessert if you haven't eaten your dinner, and having to ask before doing things just aren't part of their family dynamic and so we tried to run our family the same way for the week. Overall, I would say it went very well. The things that I worried about (like my kids melting down because they were staying up so late) may have occurred, but they weren't as big of a deal as I expected them to be.

Now I'm wondering how it will be when I get back home. Can we go back to 8ish bedtimes when they've been going to bed at 11 pm all week? Will they return to asking permission before going outside at our house, or will they just disappear into the outdoors when the mood takes them? I suspect we may have a few battles when we enforce the kids trying everything on their plate before getting down from the dinner table.

Regardless of how the return transition goes, I'm glad for the "freedom project" experience of this week. It has taught me about my own abilities, taught me about my kids' abilities, taught me some of the benefits of a laid-back lifestyle and perhaps even underscored some of the things that I like about my own system at home. I'm glad for the time spent with wonderful friends and enjoyed their family and their perspectives on life and parenting.

I feel blessed by the week. Pray for our safe return trip home tomorrow!

Life is getting easier

I've been guilty of wanting my kids to grow up because it bums me out to not be able to do all the fun stuff that I want to do because my kids can't hack it. All of a sudden it hit me that my kids are starting to be able to do all that fun stuff.

Attempts in previous years to go on bike rides have been disasterous. I remember how frustrated I was a year or so ago trying to take Sweetness for a bike ride because the stupid training wheels got stuck in the rocks and she couldn't push the bike up a hill nor ride it down. It was completely maddening that it took us an hour to decide that there was no way to make the bike ride work and Sweetness cried all the way home. Today we were able to take the whole family for a ride (even with another child thrown in too).


I've got the Big Guy on the back of my bike and hubby has Spunky Girl on a bike that attaches to his bike. Sweetness is now able to ride on her own. We set off for a ride and everyone had a marvelous time. Sweetness had some trouble on the soft dirt/rock paths and started to get a bit frustrated, but we stopped by a river for awhile and threw rocks in until everyone was in a good mood again.



After we got back from our bike ride and had a quick lunch, it was off to the pool!

Once again I was struck by how much easier it was to have our family at the pool. I could even sit on a lounge chair and read if I wanted to.
The Big Guy is happy to wear his life preserver and doesn't mind hanging out by the edge of the pool. Sweetness is a good swimmer and Spunky Girl can manage nicely on her own if she's wearing a flotation belt. After enjoying the ability to lay out for a moment, I didn't mind joining hubby in the pool with the kids and playing around. It was fabulous!

It is so nice to really enjoy this stage with my kids. I think I worried that I would always wish that my kids were older and that made me feel like a lousy mom who didn't enjoy being with her children. It feels great to realize that those feelings were truly about the limitations of the baby years and not something that would be a constant in my life.

Why did you say that?

Not surprising to anyone that knows us, hubby and I don't have the same perspective on everything. One thing that keeps coming up in our parenting is "Why did you say that?". Hubby hates it when the kids start begging for something just because I mentioned the word. For example, I could say "I'm going to go take a shower" and the Big Guy will start saying "shower, shower" and he'll start running for the stairs. Hubby will look at me and sigh because he thinks I've created the situation that we have to tell the Big Guy "no" when I could have just kept my mouth shut instead.

So today, I mentioned to hubby (in front of Spunky Girl) that one of us needed to take Spunky Girl to the doctor for her checkup after her swim lessons. Spunky Girl looked at me and said "am I getting shots?". Hey...she asked. "Yep". Cue the crying and hysterics. About 40 minutes worth. Hubby didn't think it was necessary to bring up the doctor visit at all in front of her. He thought it was only fair that I should take her to the doctor since I was the cause of her trauma.

So I took her to the doctor. She was so freaked out. It has been awhile since I've cried when one of my children got a shot, but I had tears in my eyes by the time she got her 4th shot. Thank goodness that nurse MiMi allowed us to do the shots at the beginning of the visit instead of waiting till the customary visit-end to do it. I don't think she would have made it. She told me afterwards that she thought about running away when the nurse brought out the needles. That would have been a first for me...actually chasing my child down the halls of the doctor's office. But if any child would do that...it would be Spunky Girl.

Spunky Girl (before she got 4 shots)

Am I reformed? Nope. I will continue to mention things in front of my children. I just can't add the pressure to my life of having to watch what I say in case one of them might get upset. My children will learn to live with the disappointments of the real world. They will learn to deal with knowing that a trip to the doctor is in their near future. And they will learn that they are strong enough to survive those situations.

An acurate reflection

Hubby and I watched Marley & Me last night. Overall, we gave the movie a B. While the story was neither fascinating nor surprising, it was fun to watch and had the expected tear-jerker moment at the end. We've found ourselves bringing up little parts of the movie today, remembering specific scenes and commenting on them. The movie reminds us of ourselves and our marriage.

I think what we liked the most about the movie is that it validates what we've got going on. Yes, we love each other. Yes, life can be CHAOTIC and STRESSFUL with three kids (and no dog) and yes, sometimes we take it out on each other. But we love each other and are thankful to be together. We're thankful for each child that God gave us to love and raise.

There is one scene in the movie where Jennifer Aniston's character is overwrought and says "I know I chose this, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. Nobody told me it would be this hard." I can totally relate to feeling that way. There is just times when you feel like there is no way one person can possibly manage all that is coming at her and yet this is what you chose for your life and you don't want to give it up for someone else to do.

She has another line that says something about "I've given up all the things that made me me" and that line resonates too. Especially in the baby years, I found it challenging to maintain any part of my life that wasn't related to child-rearing. It is comforting at that time to think that it is only a temporary suspension of those things...that you can add some of those things back in when the kids get a little older and you can carve out more time for yourself. Sometimes I think that and then I catch myself just looking forward to when my kids are older and I have more freedoms. I don't want to miss out on what is good about this time in their lives because I'm focusing on what's coming next.

I like that the story ends with both the husband and the wife looking back and realizing that what they thought they needed (i.e. the things that made them "them") was not what made them happy and what makes them happy is the things that perhaps they thought were burdens. I love the love they shared between them and the love they had for their family and that stupid-but-adorable dog.

BTW, anyone who things that someone should have actually warned them about how hard marriage and child-raising can be is on crack. What do they really expect us to say? "Oh congrats on your engagement...you know that both good times and tough times are coming...right?" or "Oh, a new baby is coming, I hope you enjoy what time you have left before you give up life as you know it for your child". Yeah, that's just not going to happen.